Welcome to my garden of authenticity. The place where I find myself most vulnerable - where I realize that I am constantly learning to grow into a more meaningful life. The place where I seek my truth and the truth of the world. The place where I dance my dance and find gratitude for the distance I have traveled in my journey of life. Perhaps, even here, I am barely beginning, but in this place I am more than what I have been and the past will not hinder me from being where I need to be. My garden is a sacred place, for I am a sacred person, but I am ready to let you in. So don't hesitate to open the gate; I'll welcome you even if it takes time. Kick off your shoes and roam free here with me. It's just warm love and it's ever present everywhere.
The soil is fertile; ready to produce new life, new opportunity, and new purpose. When you first step in you'll see the good things. So go ahead, take a second to smell the roses and see my resurrection fern coming into life; come relive my most nostalgic moments. Taste the sweat pouring down your face and relive the times when I pushed every boundary I had to be the best possible version of myself as an athlete. Feel the wind cross your face as you stand with me by the Navy Pier in Chicago and allow the skyline to inspire you to live your most creative life. Hear the songs from my childhood and watch me stand on my dad's feet as we salsa dance around his apartment, or sit with me in the backseat of my mom's car and try to learn the words to her favorite songs that would one day become mine. See the world through my eyes as I try to understand the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. But most importantly, take time to smell the roses with me before we become lost in the tangles of time.
Pause for a second and take in your surroundings - is it simple in the most complex way? Figured out but barely beginning? Did you find the beautiful flowers that deep down you know had to endure the rain? That's me. Did you hear the honeybees? The glorious sound of their buzz constantly reminding me that spring is coming and my garden is preparing for full bloom. The new season is approaching and it will soon be time to let go and make room for what is to come. But the further you get inside, the more you realize there is still work to be done; work that you know you can help with. So grab a shovel and help me dig. Uncover every layer of my soul in hope of finding my true self, even if it means digging for what seems like forever. For a long time I truly believed I could dig on my own, but now I know I need help. Your help. So here I am...recognizing that I need you to help me walk the mile and bear the load. Truly, all I ask is that when the dig becomes too enduring, take a break with me - lie there with me - enjoy the little moments of finally feeling like we can breathe. As we stare at the skies, in hopes of catching our breaths, see where I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell. See the place where I am constantly looking up in hope of truly feeling the Holy Spirit, hoping that I will get carried away. Asking God to come dance with me, throughout the heavens and below the seas and up on a mountain top; flow with the breeze, come carry me.
The dance has replenished me and I am ready to continue, but do not rush to finish the dig, for good things take time. Take a look around. Let me show you my garden of authenticity. The one that is forever in progress, yet constantly bursting into life. I must tell you, everybody loves the sunshine but it rains here every so often. I allow myself to be overwhelmed by the never ending opportunities to learn that these showers bring. Most times the sun shines through the rain, but when it seems like the clouds will never pass, take a moment to remember: no rain, no flowers. We must take time for the wildflowers. So take my hand and come with me. We will endure the storms, no matter how long the wait. When we feel daring enough to feel the storm in our presence, we will dance in the hurricane, but only if we're standing in the eye. And just like Mumford & Sons teaches me, there will come a time, you'll see, with no more fear. Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you'll find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. After the storm.
So when the showers are done, help me recover. Plant fresh seeds with me - my new memories - the roses that will one day be there to smell because nothing grows us like love. To help me plant my garden is to believe in me. So close your eyes and feel the blistering heat on your face, run with me to hide from the rain, and let the wind be always at your back. But most importantly know, when the time comes, I am ready to help you too. I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through.
I have recently put emphasis on taking a lot of time to find who I really am and discover what I truly want, not only in life but from myself. Many playlists later, I can tell you that this journey is not easy. I have a hard time finding the words to express what I am feeling because sometimes I am unsure if I even know. As I try to finish up this blog, I feel like I am so close to finding the answer, yet miles from nowhere. I sat in a coffee shop with a few books and came upon a Mary Oliver poem written about one of my favorite ancient Chinese poets, Li Po. The poem is a summary of one of Li Po's most famous pieces. Mary Oliver writes:
"There is the story of the old Chinese poet:
at night in his boat he went drinking and dreaming
and singing
then drowned as he reached for the moon's reflection.
Well, probably each of us, at some time, has been as desperate.
Not the moon, though."
-Li Po and the Moon
I am not looking to touch the reflection of the moon, but I do find myself desperate to find the answers to life's biggest questions. This journey is all about not being a bull dozer when life calls me to be a builder (Cleo Wade). I am doing this so I can learn to love my self fully and give myself the resources I need to grow. I want to love myself enough to stand up when enough is enough, to solely surround myself with things and people that give me happiness, to only carry myself into situations that are going to benefit me, to not second guess my worth, but mostly to give off a selfless love that makes the mountains crumble. So what am I really looking for? Although I feel as if this question is one that takes a life time to answer, I am eager to continue on the adventure of finding my truth.
I recently came home from a week at Camp Bratton Green, an Episcopal Church camp that seems to be smack dab in the middle of nowhere. When I find myself in the midst of this place, I can stand still and watch my faith come to life around me. Something as simple as the rising of the sun can remind me how important it is to be the hands and feet of Jesus for others.
Before the session began, the staff gathered at the outdoor chapel for Eucharist. When we come together as a group, we are no longer strangers, but brothers and sisters - a team. We sing together to find harmony in our voices, we listen together to understand our callings, we give each other peace as a reminder that we are in this journey together as pilgrims. We stand together to hear the word of God.
While hearing the Gospel of John being read, a wave of nostalgia overcame me. The story of John the Baptist was being read. This lesson is so nostalgic for me because one of my first memories of camp was sitting at this very outdoor chapel watching the story of John the Baptist being reenacted in the lake. I remember sitting there learning about how he was someone who prepared others for the coming of the Messiah and understood how to work with his hands and feet to fulfill the prophecy. Not only is this story one of my first memories of camp, but it was one of the first moments where I began to understand how truly complex my faith is. It was the moment where I realized that I was not only called as a Christian to believe in a divine spirit, but I was also called to show what I believe in. I believe in love. I am not afraid to say that I believe in a God that teaches us to love one another - to love God, to love our neighbors, and to love ourselves. I am called to LOVE GOD. I am called to LOVE MY NEIGHBOR. I am called to LOVE MYSELF. The way of love is the way of the cross and I AM NOT AFRAID.
But what is this love that I believe in?
The love that I believe in is the one that is carried from the church into the street. I believe in the love that gathers the weary, the hopeful, the joyous, the troubled into the comfort of faith. I believe in the love that brings us back to our roots when we've drifted off. There were moments in my life when I allowed myself to become so consumed with routine that I was unable to recognize this love even when it stood right before me. Yet instead of allowing me to drift off too far, it pulled me back in.
Oh how this love gives me life.
It's the love that gives you gratitude for the sunrises. The love that allows you to lose yourself in conversation with the people that speak your peace. The love that gives you the courage to unapologetically dance your dance. This love doesn't allow you to feel like time was lost when it wasn't fully present, it just patiently waits to reappear when it knows you need it most. Like we are taught in our faith "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." This love is found in religion, in the people who are your home, in the breath taking sights of nature, and in every face you greet. I believe in the love that gives people the courage to fearlessly be their true selves. I believe in the love of the three men I admire most: the Father, Son, and The Holy Ghost.
Like I said, nothing grows us like love.
My favorite album is coincidentally "I and Love and You" by the Avett Brothers and has been since I was little. When my mom first played the album for me, I was particularly drawn to "January Wedding". For the longest time the only line I could ever remember was "She keeps it simple and I am thankful for her kind of lovin' - cause it's simple". At this point of my life, I never understood that love is a complicated word that means so many different things to so many different people.
I have decided that in my life, love will be simple. I choose to live by the words that send me from the church into the street: "Life is short and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with use, so be swift to love, make haste to be kind, and go in peace to love and serve the LORD." There are so many things in this life that remind me that love is always an option and that love will overcome everything else. Whether it be the smile of a stranger, the way my pups are happy to see me at the end of the day, the feeling of seeing a friend after a long time, the way I am comforted by those I love, the taste of home cooking, or the laughs shared with good company. I have learned that it is always going to be okay to surround myself with the things I love and that make me happy - especially the simple things. I've learned that it will never be selfish to love myself enough to choose happiness. I want to be the one who keeps love simple and the one who people love for doing so.
Years later, I find myself digging through countless records at Amoeba Records in San Francisco when I came across the album "I and Love and You", so of course I got it. When I got home and put it on the record player, I came across a beautifully written message on the inside of the cover. I will spare you the time of reading the whole cover, but I will give you a little piece of it in hope that you see the value of its entirety.
"The words 'I' and 'Love' and 'You' are the watermark of humanity. Strung together, they convey our deepest sense of humility, of power, of truth. It is our most common sentiment, even as the feeling of it is so infinitely uncommon; each to proclaim these three words with his or her very own heart or mindset of reason (or lack thereof); a proclamation completely and perfectly new each time it is offered. Uttered daily and nightly by millions, the words are said in an unending array of circumstances: whispered to the newborn in a new mother's arms; shared between best friends on the playground; in the form of sympathy said by a girl to a boy as the sympathy continues but the relationship does not. It is said too loudly by parents to embarrass children in the company of their friends, and by grown children - to their fading parents in hospital beds The words are thought in the company of the photograph and said in the company of the gravestone. It is how we end our letters and our phone calls...the words at the bottom of the page that trump all the ones above it, it's a way to gracefully finish a message, however important or trivial, with the most meaningful gift of all: the communication of love."
"...And so it ends with the phrase whispered to and by those of us most defeated and elated... I and Love and You.."
And just as I have come to know that "love" is an ever-changing idea, I have realized that my life is constantly in a state of design. I choose to be creative. I choose to be different. I choose to design a life I love.
The word "impact" is defined as the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another.
I've created this idea in my head that I am called to leave an impact on this fragile island home of an Earth. For some reason I have convinced myself that I have to be this force and that I must continue to stomp my foot into the ground until it leaves a mark. I am not frightened by the idea of being of being "something" to "someone", and it honestly excites me. This summer I went to Chicago with a family I babysit for. One night we did a tour of the Navy Pier and it was simply breathtaking. The tour started in the evening, which gave us the opportunity to see the skyline in daytime, during sunset, and at night. The way the city looked in the day time allowed me to understand that there is so much more outside of my little niche for me to explore. The way the sunset reflected across the buildings made me feel like I find peace in a place that is simply chaos. But my favorite was the way the skyline lit up at night. The lights reflecting on the water screamed "opportunity" and made me feel like I was standing at the starting point of my race of life. It gave me an adrenaline rush to create something as magical as this city that once had to be rebuilt from scratch. It's okay to want to rebuild your life and start over.
Doing so does not erase your past, but allows you to grow and give yourself new opportunities using your history as a foundation of wisdom. All of the buildings in Chicago are simply characters that tell the story of the windy city. Each one with a unique design that allows it to stand out and stand tall. Each building providing people with a place to create their best memories and their hardest times, but each equally important. We're all characters in this world, each unique in our own ways. I choose to be someone who reminds people of their best memories, of their hardest laughs, of the moments when they felt most important, but mostly I choose to be the somebody who makes you feel like a "somebody". I have learned that the impact I have on people and this world means everything to me and I won't stop stomping until I've left a beautiful mark that lives forever.
so when you see me next, I'll tell you "of course I've changed, darling...I've grown" - Cleo Wade
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