I've tried to begin this blog with happy posts and fun things about myself because that is what I truly enjoy, but I feel it is also time that I become honest about myself. I am going to tell you how I really feel about my own self image, along with the struggles I face trying to be this "perfect" girl. I know that no one is perfect, but I can assure you that a lot of people, including me, are constantly trying to be. Sometimes doing this can hurt you more than it can help you, believe me, I know. One of the things I truly admire about the modern world is the way that people are telling their stories and truths. Although many are not pretty, their ours. So now it is my turn. Welcome to my personal testimony about self-image.
You can ask anyone who witnessed me growing up, every time there was a mirror present (or basically anything with a reflection), I was checking myself out; maybe even striking a pose. But all of this quickly changed in 3rd grade. One day when I went to strike a pose in the tall mirror my dad has hanging in his hallway, I realized that the girl I once loved to look at 24/7 wasn't there anymore. I suddenly saw the girl who was too fat, hair was too short and too frizzy, teeth weren't pretty and white, and once again - too fat.
I soon found myself trying to change all of these things. I had braces to fix my teeth, growing my hair out in attempt to get as far away from that short haircut as I possibly could, but still hating a lot of things about me.
Middle school wasn't any better. I was having trouble figuring out my friend group and also figuring out myself. For a while I found myself distracted with this great friend group I soon confided in. As we obsessed over One Direction, every worry in the world faded away. I soon forgot all of the negative things I ever felt. If only this feeling would've lasted.
I was soon reminded of how ugly I felt when a girl snatched my beauty and beau pictures out of my hand (that I already didn't like) to say "no offense, but you look pregnant". But yeah, NO OFFENSE. This was also the year in which I was first referred to as a (pardon my French) bitch by my closest friends. So now, not only am I upset with my appearance but with my personality and inner self. 8th grade of middle school I decided I wanted to escape the things I felt those past two years, so I transferred to private school.
I still remember the first day of walking into the cafeteria at my new school. I soon saw friends from elementary and girls I'd seen in their pictures. But the one common thing between them all was that they were skinny, pretty, and happy. Every last one of them. I was not. I quickly decided that if I wanted a chance to survive in this new "life" that it would be easier if I shed a few pounds. I joined a weight management program, did a low carb diet, and lost some weight. I was finally skinnier than I used to be, but I was never happy or completely satisfied with myself. But at this point I thought maybe happiness was worth risking, if I got to look better.
I am stuck in a never ending cycle.
I finally moved into High School, the thing that movies describe to be amazing and other people describe to be awful. I can basically condense these 3 years of my life into a small paragraph. I transferred back to Public School, made really good grades, got involved with my diocese a lot, and did a lot of things that made me really happy. I gained every pound I'd once lost back and then some. I discovered that it's really hard for me to be happy with my appearance and my life at the same time. I feel like I have to choose, but deep down I know I don't have to. I work hard at everything else I do in my life, so I'm still unsure of why it is so hard for me to do this for myself. Especially because it is something I want so bad. Maybe a little part of me deep down doesn't want to change.
My problem is I can never "practice what I preach". I am constantly telling people I want this appearance change for me and only me. But maybe that is not the complete truth. Just like every other girl, I crave that attention we are taught "to not want". I want some guy to think I'm beautiful, smart, and funny. But how can I expect anyone to love me if I can't even love myself. People are constantly telling me that I'm beautiful and all that good stuff, but unfortunately, it will never mean anything until I feel it for myself. I think that if I try to look like someone I am not, that maybe it will be the person I want to be.
I want to be the girl that fits in a one-digit size, the one with beach waves and not frizzy curls, the one who radiates positivity truthfully and not the one who pretends she is always happy to fool everyone into not looking past the first layer, I want to be the girl that guys think are great, the best friend that everyone wants to have, the person that makes everyone laugh all of the time, the girl who is strong in her faith and level-headed, but especially the one who looks in the mirror and tells herself "you look beautiful today".
Now, I don't want you to think I am some dark, sad puddle. I love my life and I am happy with a lot of the things I do for people. And no, this is not some exaggeration on "just not really liking myself". Self image has taken a big toll on me, personally. I am doing my best to learn to love who I am. I'm getting there, but good things take time. I love you and I encourage you to love yourself and don't feel wrong if you can't 100%. Just know that you are not alone, we are all on the long journey of loving ourselves. Some are ahead of us and some are behind, but in the end we are all on the same journey.
My name is Sophie Calderon, and this is my testimony.
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